Trip Advisor: Hospital Trip Part 4:

Chapter 8: Adult Potty….

Before visiting hour – I was resting after my tiresome ultrasound – to be honest not eating anything makes you incredibly tired. The women next to me was amazing, she was called Sue, in her 60’s and had not eaten for 4 days. She was waiting to basically have a camera shoved up her bum to see what was going on inside her which is highly delightful.

Sue and I decided that to pass the time we would pretend that we were heading off to Ibiza, we were on a diet in order to skinny down and look amazing in a bikini before we jetted off for our amazing holiday in the sun.

Surprisingly, this analogy worked. A head fuck yes but a good distraction.

However, poor old Sue caused an excellent distraction during a rather boring Monday afternoon in hospital.

So… lets get the maths right, in order to get a camera inserted into your arse this requires this area to be cleared out straight away. I am not quite sure what drugs Sue was given but they worked pretty fast less than 15 minutes and she dashed off to the toilet…

20 minutes later she returned proclaiming:

‘Everytime I moved more came out….’

Sue went to lie down, when her friend arrived for a chat, the curtains were drawn around her as after being on the toilet for such an intense session nobody wants to see the light of day.

The nurse returned with another and final dose of the drug to continue to rear spring clean. She also brought a small portable toilet, basically a chair with a hole in the seat and a plastic bag attached underneath to catch the ummm drips….

5 minutes later: I hear a groan, a giggle from Sue’s friend, then a amusing shuffle and then a peal of laughter as Sue’s friend laughed at the situation poor old Sue was in.

Of course I didn’t see behind curtain but by the sounds and noises I could hear bad things were happening.

Poor Sue couldn’t make the actual toilet and therefore used the adult potty. So the nurse’s dream came true – someone shat themselves into a plastic bag on an adult toilet.

 

This ‘Inbetweeners’ clips sums this situation up most perfectly.

 

Chapter 9: It’s a girl!

During the afternoon I had mH11any visitors to brighten my life and to help the time go faster because seriously being in a hospital is like waiting for the world to end.Daisy Pj;s

In fact according to the highly trustworthy newspaper the Telegraph it will in fact end: 2000002013AD – the year the world will end? Proving that waiting in hospitals is a very long time.

During my stay I had many exciting visitors and guests even though visiting hours are at set hours everyone was breaking the rules.

Hayley from work brought me an overnight bag on Monday morning with exciting items such as a sponge, a toothbrush, soap and the most amazing items were my Monster Inc colouring book and Daisy inspired PJ’s if anyone who reads this doesn’t know me I own a rabbit called Daisy so this was a welcome mood brightener!

Daisy Rabbit

Other guests included the wonderful Cathi who had brought a large array of exciting magazines to cheer me up. She had collected them in a rather W.I rally fashion asking all her friends for them. Amazing – I was up-to-date on the celebrity gossip by the time I left holiday. I knew all the things there was possibly to know about the¬†Kardashian’s but seriously who even cares.

Ellen from work also paid a visit during the lunch time period bringing me lots of sweets that I could sadly only stare at, as no eating was allowed.

Later on in the evening after I had napped, coloured, wheeled my drip to the toilet, watched other people eat: it was evening and proper visiting hours.

Matt my housemate arrived with my wonderful friend Ben bringing lots of hugs, clothes from home and lots of talk of battered sausages.

Battered sausage digression:

The reason behind the battered sausage talk was the fact that since I had entered hospital I had for some reason been craving a battered sausage and chips –H9let’s be honest I wasn’t going to get it in hospital 1. because the food is terrible and 2. I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat anything which is awkward.

On the other hand my bikini Ibiza body was going well – I had lost nearly a stone and was feeling terrible. Starving yourself thin is not the way to go and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Eat healthy and exercise – I write this after I have consumed 11 chicken wings, chips and some Apple Tango – joyous – I feel horrific. That was not a good choice.
More visitors arrived to add to the fun of Ward 8 friends from work arrived bearing gifts – well not your normal kind of gifts.

My work parents (they call themselves my work parents, they call me Hansy and care for me as my parents are at my home in Cambridge) brought me an exciting array of gifts. Basically then went to the Hospital shop and bought me as much as they could find – basically they bought the most random items they could find to cheer me – it was like Christmas!Men’s boxers – 3 pairs an array of colours white, black and grey in a large (just in case) – these were hung from the bedside lamp as decoration.

  1. A nightgown – an XXXL – basically a sheet so if I threw up again on myself or on my bed – I WAS PREPARED
  2. Surprise magazines – A Card Making Magazine, A children’s lucky dip magazine – providing endless fun of stickers, a frisbee and a blow up football. This launched into a game of catch with the other 5 patients in the beds on my little ward – we were the worst patients – however it was the only fun we had all day. The stickers were stuck everywhere all over the machines and my drip had the wonderful addition of the Very Hungry Caterpillar toy.

The best present was…. my work parents decided my poor appendix was going to be a girl… that didn’t stop people asking where my baby was…

After the visitors had left the doctor arrived to bid me the news that in two hours I would be having my operation. I have never been so scared in my life.

 

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Trip Advisor: Hospital Trip Part 3:

Chapter 6: Robbery

My first night in hospital had been an interesting one – I had thrown up on myself, been wheeled to the toilet in a wheelchair and fainted on the toilet – and that was all before midnight.

After midnight I had a restless night. One reason being that – Before I went to bed I was told and asked to sign a waiver form that if any of my personal items were stolen the hospital wouldn’t be held responsible. Amusing considering I couldn’t walk let alone run after anyone who decided to steal any of my personal items…

This led to me sleeping with many of these items that I thought had some kind of importance to my existence in hospital…

That night I slept with:

  1. My phone
  2. My phone charger
  3. My colouring book (Monster Inc – kept me occupied)
  4. My bag of washing items
  5. Magazines

To be honest the bed was uncomfortable enough without the added extra of the items above – however I weighed up the pros and cons and decided that in the long run and potential robbery I wouldn’t be able to get through the hours of boredom without them.

Fortunately I wasn’t robber but I can’t work out whether this was down to the fact I didn’t sleep at all, the pain was unbearable or I was terrified of being robbed by clever robber posing as a Doctor or Nurse?

Chapter 6: The morning welcome party

The morning after the night before

So I woke up in the morning about 8am (so I must have slept a little bit), just sat up to get comfortable when I am seriously not kidding a PACK of doctors arrived at my bedside, closed the curtains and started talking about me to each other!

Um Hello – I am sitting here and I was trying to consume by breakfast of the NHS’s finest orange juice…

After talking about me to my face they asked how I was doing and then yes – I was inspected in the groin and inner leg area again… To preserve my dignity my pillow was used to protect my triangle (I am going to hope yo know what I am talking about).

‘Do you mind if we just check you over Hannah?’ (The Doctor address me)

‘I have got beyond the point of caring… but you have started so you should at least finish’

After my triangle was protected the prodding and wincing commenced – they then announced in a brash tone:

‘As you can see the patient, has slight swelling in the abdomen and pain around the right hip… The patient will be sent for an ultrasound scan to see if we can see what the appendix is doing….’

During this statement doctors and the like noted down things in their notes books…. yes this happened.

‘Oh and Hannah you won’t be able to eat or drink anything before your ultrasound scan….’

I stop drinking my orange juice in a saddened manner even though it tasted like crap and then looked at them all – proceeded to down the whole thing and then said:

‘I won’t drink anything else – I promise, looks like I am on a drip diet – roll on Ibiza…’

They left….

So I was fitted with a fluids drip which is a highly inconvenient – you have to stay in the same position the whole time so that the blasted fluid goes into you – talk about awkward positions.

Surprisingly I only waited a mere hour before a delightful young porter man came to pick me up in his chariot –

Back to Alton Towers we went… bashing into all the things – including doors and the like.

When we arrived at my destination I joined similarly dressed people in their PJ’s waiting for their ultrasounds.

If anyone knows me – I love to fill that awkward silence so I announced that having an ultrasound was not in my life plan and the only time I thought this would be occurring is when in fact I was with child. I then announced that I was not pregnant to my knowledge.

Silence…

Then an old man next me wet himself…

He was whisked away leaving a beautiful shining beacon of urine behind… which consequently was discovered by the porter who took me to the Ultrasound room – he trod in it. I laughed so hard that a little bit of wee came out.

Chapter 7: Show me all my organs…

Well what can I say the ultrasound was an experience: To put it into context I was having an ultrasound because they wanted to see how swollen my appendix was and if anything else was going on inside me…

They laid me down, got me comfortable before I was handed two pieces of over sized blue kitchen towel – one to tuck into the underside of my bra (as I had to roll my t-shirt up to expose my stomach) and the other was to yes save my dignity and tuck into my pants….

The annoying thing about my appendix was located near to my triangle area which meant it was getting a lot more air-time than usual. I mean I was soon going to have to start charging for such exposure.

 

Picture of Appendix

Anyhow, for anyone who has seen One Born Every Minute the process is exactly the same. The Doctor applied on to my stomach – it was so warm and snuggly kind of like when you put a jumper on when you are playing out in the snow, your hands are cold but the rest of your torso is so warm.

After the gel was applied – basically looked inside me… how exciting… but also really werid.

However, I really didn’t think this would ever happen to me unless I was lying with my of course gorgeous husband holding my hand as we look at a the black and white live image of my unborn child. I would then wipe away a tear and kiss my husband with joy.

This of course did not happen – instead of my unborn child – I saw my organs. He spent a while searching for my appendix, an extremely long time.

During the deep sea search of my stomach… I thought while I am here I proclaimed:

“SHOW ME ALL MY ORGANS….”

To which he did…. all of them – 45 minutes later I knew where everything was. Unfortunately he did not find my appendix, the poor little guy was hiding away from the nice Doctor and his warm gel and werid ultrasound stick thing.

I was then wheeled back to my lovely bed! Where I was hooked up to another drip and I continued my enforced hunger and water strike. Trust me not drinking is the worst – I looked like a Zombie – my mouth was dry but also so were my lips but luckily I had brought my trusty Vaseline with me and the world was saved.

During the waiting period I drew a beautiful picture….in my amazing Monster Inc colouring book and yes I am that talented….

Monster Inc colouring book talent!

 

Trip Advisor: Hospital Trip Part 2:

Chapter 5: ‘At least you didn’t shit yourself…’

So if you have read the story so far I would like to say it gets worse…

hospital

I had been in hospital since about 2pm in the afternoon – what you have to understand is no matter where you are you have to wait for everything.

I had moved from the uncomfortable chair in the A&E waiting room to a wonderfully uncomfortable bed in the hospital ward.

I hadn’t eaten all day – the ward basically had me hunger strike I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything. The kind of hunger strike that would have you on a beach in Ibiza with a beautiful washboard stomach. Except I was not going to Ibiza and I was high on morphine that was not doing anything for the pain.

It was probably about 9 pm and finally they decided that I was allowed to eat something – can you believe it – something to eat – that’s when they presented me with a squashed, thin, grey tuna and cucumber sandwich.

Yummy – what more could I want than a tuna sandwich for dinner! Yeahhy! I mean seriously what planet are they on.

….and then half an hour later after one bite of the delightful tuna sandwich and a bottle of oasis summer fruits I threw up on myself.

For 45 minutes I sat in my own sick because I couldn’t move. The pain in my hip was so bad that I physically couldn’t lift myself off the bed.

The nurse came by and gave me a sick bowl – they look a little bit like grey bowler hats….

I threw up again missing the bowl completely except for a small splodge…

The nurse came back:

Hannah: ‘I am really sorry I threw up again,’

Nurse: ‘Well at least you didn’t shit yourself….’

Hannah: (holding up the bowl and pointing to the splodge of sick) ‘I got this bit in the bowl….’

The poor nurse had to undress me, wipe down my bed and change it…..

Chapter 6: ‘Stay here… you won’t move will you?’

The lights were turned out about midnight for what for most normal people call night-time – but nothing stops at a hospital.

I didn’t sleep at all – I had to lie in a werid position to let my fluids get in through my drip – how exciting.

Of course one thing leads to another and eventually you need the toilet. But its awkward when you need to pee but you can’t move. I had to press the call button to ask to be – yes escorted to the toilet. Gets worse though doesn’t it when you can’t walk to the toilet that is 10 seconds away – so you have to be wheel-chaired to the toilet. Lifted on to the toilet and then they have to pull down your trousers for you. Mid wee I faint….

Yes keel over on the toilet…

My head kind of in my lap lolling like a dog.

The nurse of course is not equipped to be dealing with a bottom naked young lady, mid wee flow, fainting for banter.

The only words I remember are:

‘Hannah, stay here, you won’t move will you?’

I reply in some kind of morphine induced coma… ‘Do you think I am really going to go anywhere?’

So by the end of my first day in hospital I have been prodded and poked, been asked if I was doing drugs, had my blood taken, fainted and couldn’t see, ate a squashed tuna sandwich, threw up on myself, fainted on the toilet…. all this occured in one day… you wait till you hear about Day 2!!!

Baffled

Baffled

Trip Advisor: Hospital Trip Part 1

Chapter 1: Inner thigh pain

Unfortunately I was taken ill a few weeks ago:

It all began on a Thursday – the day before wondrous Friday – my inner hip or pelvis started hurting and by Sunday I was pretty much unable to walk and limping was a standard!

I decided to take myself to the A&E:

I had not been to A&E since I scaled a large kitchen cupboard at the age of five and ate all the travel sickness pills my mother had decided to hide in the highest cupboard. I was of course rushed to hospital and given what I thought was orange squash… I was sick for many hours.

So I returned 17 years later with a pain in my hip… yes a pain in my hip – who knew after being prodded and poked in some rather umm areas close to home such as my inner thigh…. I was admitted to hospital.

Before the story really begins….

Before entering any hospital you must address these three main points:

  1. You will probably waste over 4 hours of your life waiting for something to happen.
  2. Take some water because if you want a drink of water in A&E you have to ask for it, it is poured for you and no drinking the water from the bathroom taps!
  3. Take a some kind of reading material because the television that is available has news on repeat: By the time your standard 4 hour wait is over you will basically be a newsreader.

Chapter 2: The doctor who didn’t know how to take blood

I was taken up to the ward in a wheelchair which at the time I compared to being on the runway mine train at Alton Towers….

We navigated around doctors, nurses, patients, tackled the lifts and then rammed doors – it appeared the only way to get through any door was to be pushed at speed through them – eventually I was placed in a bed if you can call it that. It was probably the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to lie on for a elongated period of time.

However there was the fun of pressing buttons that moved different parts of the bed up and down – at one point I was literally sandwiched between the foot of the bed and the head of the bed in some kind of scratchy hospital bed sandwich. Eventually after making myself at home and comfortable I was approached by a Doctor wearing a white lab coat, a stethoscope around her neck and a clip board – for a moment I thought I was on the set of ER.

She didn’t speak much English at all and after asking her to repeat her questions about ‘Where it hurts?’ ‘What my medical history was?’ and many other amazing and interesting questions I was yet again inspected and asked where it hurt, to press on this, move that and so on. It was finally time to have my blood taken and my cannula fitted so I could be put on a drip.

My friend Hayley from work had come to support me through this terrible ordeal as mum and dad had decided to take a holiday in Scotland a few days before – bloody selfish!

The Doctor returned with only can be described as ‘the biggest syringe I have ever seen in my life,’ and thats when the ordeal began….

Let me put it into perspective – my veins aren’t the easiest to find but I do have veins to carry blood to and from my heart and go around my body – EVERYBODY DOES.

After a rather Trainspotting experience of having a piece of elastic tied round my arm and having to squeeze my fist into my palm to get the blood pumping my poor little vein would not appear.

I was then asked by the Doctor in the white coat: ‘DO YOU DO DRUGS?’ yes, those very words were uttered…I looked and said ‘Do I look like I do drugs?’

Silence.

Then my arm was repetitively slapped – Yes my arm got bitch slapped – but still the vein refused to appear. Two Doctors and 3 nurses, more slapping and elastic tying later a nurse managed to coax blood from my poor arm. They took so much blood that when they left I fainted….Poor Hayley had to deal with a rather dazed statement:

‘Hayley I can’t see?’

‘Hannah you don’t need to see’

‘Oh ok’

They've taken some of my blood....

They’ve taken some of my blood….

Chapter 3 – They’ve taken some of my blood…..

In true Johnny English style – once connected up to a drip, every-time I needed to move anywhere such as the toilet I proceeded to wheel my drip with me to the toilet reinacting a particular scene for the first Johnny English film… This continued for the three days I was in hospital.

Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?

Elderly Man: They’ve taken some of my blood.

Johnny English: The bastards.

Chapter 4: Getting high for free

Being in hospital is possibly one of the most boring experiences I have had to go through – to be honest it looks like I was having fun but I was in a lot of pain which of course required large amounts of pain relief…

I tried so many drugs you wouldn’t believe – none of them worked…. This is what happened when I was given morphine…..