Chapter 1: Inner thigh pain
Unfortunately I was taken ill a few weeks ago:
It all began on a Thursday – the day before wondrous Friday – my inner hip or pelvis started hurting and by Sunday I was pretty much unable to walk and limping was a standard!
I decided to take myself to the A&E:
I had not been to A&E since I scaled a large kitchen cupboard at the age of five and ate all the travel sickness pills my mother had decided to hide in the highest cupboard. I was of course rushed to hospital and given what I thought was orange squash… I was sick for many hours.
So I returned 17 years later with a pain in my hip… yes a pain in my hip – who knew after being prodded and poked in some rather umm areas close to home such as my inner thigh…. I was admitted to hospital.
Before the story really begins….
Before entering any hospital you must address these three main points:
- You will probably waste over 4 hours of your life waiting for something to happen.
- Take some water because if you want a drink of water in A&E you have to ask for it, it is poured for you and no drinking the water from the bathroom taps!
- Take a some kind of reading material because the television that is available has news on repeat: By the time your standard 4 hour wait is over you will basically be a newsreader.
Chapter 2: The doctor who didn’t know how to take blood
I was taken up to the ward in a wheelchair which at the time I compared to being on the runway mine train at Alton Towers….
We navigated around doctors, nurses, patients, tackled the lifts and then rammed doors – it appeared the only way to get through any door was to be pushed at speed through them – eventually I was placed in a bed if you can call it that. It was probably the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to lie on for a elongated period of time.
However there was the fun of pressing buttons that moved different parts of the bed up and down – at one point I was literally sandwiched between the foot of the bed and the head of the bed in some kind of scratchy hospital bed sandwich. Eventually after making myself at home and comfortable I was approached by a Doctor wearing a white lab coat, a stethoscope around her neck and a clip board – for a moment I thought I was on the set of ER.
She didn’t speak much English at all and after asking her to repeat her questions about ‘Where it hurts?’ ‘What my medical history was?’ and many other amazing and interesting questions I was yet again inspected and asked where it hurt, to press on this, move that and so on. It was finally time to have my blood taken and my cannula fitted so I could be put on a drip.
My friend Hayley from work had come to support me through this terrible ordeal as mum and dad had decided to take a holiday in Scotland a few days before – bloody selfish!
The Doctor returned with only can be described as ‘the biggest syringe I have ever seen in my life,’ and thats when the ordeal began….
Let me put it into perspective – my veins aren’t the easiest to find but I do have veins to carry blood to and from my heart and go around my body – EVERYBODY DOES.
After a rather Trainspotting experience of having a piece of elastic tied round my arm and having to squeeze my fist into my palm to get the blood pumping my poor little vein would not appear.
I was then asked by the Doctor in the white coat: ‘DO YOU DO DRUGS?’ yes, those very words were uttered…I looked and said ‘Do I look like I do drugs?’
Then my arm was repetitively slapped – Yes my arm got bitch slapped – but still the vein refused to appear. Two Doctors and 3 nurses, more slapping and elastic tying later a nurse managed to coax blood from my poor arm. They took so much blood that when they left I fainted….Poor Hayley had to deal with a rather dazed statement:
‘Hayley I can’t see?’
‘Hannah you don’t need to see’
Chapter 3 – They’ve taken some of my blood…..
In true Johnny English style – once connected up to a drip, every-time I needed to move anywhere such as the toilet I proceeded to wheel my drip with me to the toilet reinacting a particular scene for the first Johnny English film… This continued for the three days I was in hospital.
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They’ve taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: The bastards.
Chapter 4: Getting high for free
Being in hospital is possibly one of the most boring experiences I have had to go through – to be honest it looks like I was having fun but I was in a lot of pain which of course required large amounts of pain relief…
I tried so many drugs you wouldn’t believe – none of them worked…. This is what happened when I was given morphine…..