Chapter 8: Adult Potty….
Before visiting hour – I was resting after my tiresome ultrasound – to be honest not eating anything makes you incredibly tired. The women next to me was amazing, she was called Sue, in her 60’s and had not eaten for 4 days. She was waiting to basically have a camera shoved up her bum to see what was going on inside her which is highly delightful.
Sue and I decided that to pass the time we would pretend that we were heading off to Ibiza, we were on a diet in order to skinny down and look amazing in a bikini before we jetted off for our amazing holiday in the sun.
Surprisingly, this analogy worked. A head fuck yes but a good distraction.
However, poor old Sue caused an excellent distraction during a rather boring Monday afternoon in hospital.
So… lets get the maths right, in order to get a camera inserted into your arse this requires this area to be cleared out straight away. I am not quite sure what drugs Sue was given but they worked pretty fast less than 15 minutes and she dashed off to the toilet…
20 minutes later she returned proclaiming:
‘Everytime I moved more came out….’
Sue went to lie down, when her friend arrived for a chat, the curtains were drawn around her as after being on the toilet for such an intense session nobody wants to see the light of day.
The nurse returned with another and final dose of the drug to continue to rear spring clean. She also brought a small portable toilet, basically a chair with a hole in the seat and a plastic bag attached underneath to catch the ummm drips….
5 minutes later: I hear a groan, a giggle from Sue’s friend, then a amusing shuffle and then a peal of laughter as Sue’s friend laughed at the situation poor old Sue was in.
Of course I didn’t see behind curtain but by the sounds and noises I could hear bad things were happening.
Poor Sue couldn’t make the actual toilet and therefore used the adult potty. So the nurse’s dream came true – someone shat themselves into a plastic bag on an adult toilet.
This ‘Inbetweeners’ clips sums this situation up most perfectly.
Chapter 9: It’s a girl!
In fact according to the highly trustworthy newspaper the Telegraph it will in fact end: 2000002013AD – the year the world will end? Proving that waiting in hospitals is a very long time.
During my stay I had many exciting visitors and guests even though visiting hours are at set hours everyone was breaking the rules.
Hayley from work brought me an overnight bag on Monday morning with exciting items such as a sponge, a toothbrush, soap and the most amazing items were my Monster Inc colouring book and Daisy inspired PJ’s if anyone who reads this doesn’t know me I own a rabbit called Daisy so this was a welcome mood brightener!
Other guests included the wonderful Cathi who had brought a large array of exciting magazines to cheer me up. She had collected them in a rather W.I rally fashion asking all her friends for them. Amazing – I was up-to-date on the celebrity gossip by the time I left holiday. I knew all the things there was possibly to know about the Kardashian’s but seriously who even cares.
Ellen from work also paid a visit during the lunch time period bringing me lots of sweets that I could sadly only stare at, as no eating was allowed.
Later on in the evening after I had napped, coloured, wheeled my drip to the toilet, watched other people eat: it was evening and proper visiting hours.
Matt my housemate arrived with my wonderful friend Ben bringing lots of hugs, clothes from home and lots of talk of battered sausages.
Battered sausage digression:
The reason behind the battered sausage talk was the fact that since I had entered hospital I had for some reason been craving a battered sausage and chips –let’s be honest I wasn’t going to get it in hospital 1. because the food is terrible and 2. I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat anything which is awkward.
On the other hand my bikini Ibiza body was going well – I had lost nearly a stone and was feeling terrible. Starving yourself thin is not the way to go and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
Eat healthy and exercise – I write this after I have consumed 11 chicken wings, chips and some Apple Tango – joyous – I feel horrific. That was not a good choice.
More visitors arrived to add to the fun of Ward 8 friends from work arrived bearing gifts – well not your normal kind of gifts.
My work parents (they call themselves my work parents, they call me Hansy and care for me as my parents are at my home in Cambridge) brought me an exciting array of gifts. Basically then went to the Hospital shop and bought me as much as they could find – basically they bought the most random items they could find to cheer me – it was like Christmas!Men’s boxers – 3 pairs an array of colours white, black and grey in a large (just in case) – these were hung from the bedside lamp as decoration.
- A nightgown – an XXXL – basically a sheet so if I threw up again on myself or on my bed – I WAS PREPARED
- Surprise magazines – A Card Making Magazine, A children’s lucky dip magazine – providing endless fun of stickers, a frisbee and a blow up football. This launched into a game of catch with the other 5 patients in the beds on my little ward – we were the worst patients – however it was the only fun we had all day. The stickers were stuck everywhere all over the machines and my drip had the wonderful addition of the Very Hungry Caterpillar toy.
The best present was…. my work parents decided my poor appendix was going to be a girl… that didn’t stop people asking where my baby was…
After the visitors had left the doctor arrived to bid me the news that in two hours I would be having my operation. I have never been so scared in my life.