Dear Cupid….

 

581915_983844715512_1927748916_nHello, I am Iain and after these terrible dates I am still single!

 

 

 

 

Dear Cupid

Re: A Catalogue of errors and poor practice

I am writing to you to express my great dissatisfaction with the level of service I have received from your long established and well respected international service. Surely it is not too much to ask that I be able to meet a nice, friendly, smart guy. I feel that I am not asking for the earth, just someone to text back or initiate the conversation once in a while. What follows is a catalogue of poor judgement and poor prospects.

I should begin by admitting that I am quite late to the dating game and at the ripe old age of 27 I know time is against me. I will also admit, much to my own consternation, that I am no Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum, but I am far from John McCririck or Wayne Rooney. I am intelligent, funny, well-travelled and compassionate. I am completing my masters and beginning my professional career.

This surely should not be a particularly difficult task for an angel of love with the years of experience that you so proudly expound. I don’t know how I am meant to meet the man of my dreams. For years I was hoping for a chance encounter in a bar, in the supermarket, at the gym but alas all to no avail. So, in a sign of the times

I decided to embrace online dating. As a gay man I did what all gay men do and upon the arrival ofmy smartphone, downloaded Grindr. I was perhaps foolish in my belief that maybe the man of my dreams was within 2km but I figured that due to the lack of success I had trusting entirely in cupid it was time to try and offer you a helping hand. I didn’t soley rely on Grindr, I was willing to utilise all the tools available to me on the interet: Scruff, Plenty of Fish, Gaydar, I even think there was once a Match.com profile.

As of the end of the January 2014, a mere one month into the start of a new year, I have been on three first dates, all of which began with Grindr. The guys were all around my age, my type, smart, funny, well-travelled, I thought that finally Cupid, after all this time of waiting patiently my luck had changed and everything was going my way! What’s perhaps more impressive is that these guys actually approached me. There’s me, looking for love and three guys come along at once! 2014 was going to be my year!

Date 1: Study Break. This date was in the library café on Sunday afternoon, not the most typically romantic but it worked! The chat was good and we shared similar ambitions. We chatted for an hour and the time just flew by. I was impressed. We then headed back upstairs to our respective floors and it was he, yes he, who said, “let’s do this again”. Praise the Lord! The whatsapp chat continued for a bit but then I realised that it was always I who sent the ‘how’s it going?’ so I decided to see how interested this guy actually was and left it 4 days. Not once did he initiate chat. Cupid, perhaps I don’t understand but this guy initiated chat, suggested doing it again and then falls of the grid. What is the meaning of this, I expect a better level of service from such an established and well trusted bringer of love than this.

Date 2: No shenanigans in the back row. This guy very quickly suggested we meet up as he preferred to talk in person rather than by text. I thought well that’s fine, let’s embrace this, so it’s off to the Hunger Games. We met outside, had a bit of awkward snack chat but then we sat in for 2 hours of silence. Not the most audacious start but Cupid I decided to trust you. Afterwards we went for a coffee and chatted for almost 2 hours, well I say chatted he did most of the talking. And it was mostly about himself and how wonderful he felt that he was. I did add him on Facebook once I got home but it’s safe to say that we’ve not spoken or met up since!

Date 3: Un Café Por Favor. This guy actually sent me a message before the Christmas break and we chatted for a bit but then radio silence over the holidays. Upon my return to Leicester I thought right let’s see if he is still interested and sent a message. He replied! Be still my beating heart! We arranged to meet up one evening but then radio silence once again. Cupid, I was very unhappy with this turn of events and you can rest assured that I made my displeasure known to my friends and colleagues. However, he got in contact and explained his reasoning for the missed date, and all was forgiven. He was keen to rearrange. A coffee date was booked in and it was great, we chatted for 2 hours and could have chatted for more had I not needed to go off for work. Cupid I was beginning to lose hope in your abilities but I thought that this guy may in fact bring the old adage ‘third time’s a charm’ to fruition. But in what is now fast becoming a trend he too has gone silent. I had realised that it was always me who sent the first message so I left it a few days and still nothing.

In conclusion cupid I think I have been more than fair, I have always turned up, looking smart, I’ve got reasonably good chat and I’ve shown an interest in each of these guys. However I feel that you have failed to keep up your end of the bargain, men have shown an interest but where’s the follow up, where’s the continued interest? I have a large number of single, professional friends and I most certainly will not be recommending your services to them, despite your monopoly on the world of romance. I expect this matter to be looked into with a degree of urgency and I trust that someone senior within your organisation will investigate what has clearly been a serious mismanagement of my case.

I look forward to hearing your reply.

Regards,

Iain

 

Have you or someone you know been through a horrific or a good dating experience that you want the world to know about? Well, it is time to let it all out via my amazing blog. Please get in contact via commenting below or Twitter @h_tucks with your stories.

Good Luck Chuck in reverse

hannah 2

Still single and I’m loving it…

Dear readers,

I am writing what will be the last dating blog of the series. I haven’t yet plucked up the courage to go on anymore dates or planned any!

Well, because I have decided that it is pointless.

However, whilst spending the weekend with my mother she pointed out that if I was going to go on a date with anyone they would probably be put off by this blog. To be honest she is probably right. My crude but yet amusing take on the dating world has probably ruined any chance of eternal happiness, puppies, a house in the country and four adorable children. Oh well shit happens.

In fact I have given up men for January. I have just starting writing about men which to be honest, has made me want a man more. Not ideal.

This is to add to the long list of other things I have given up including, alcohol and fun of any kind. The problem with January is that no one has any money. In the world of work you get paid 10 days earlier than you normally would due to the celebration of Christmas. Therefore in the month where alcohol, men and crap food is needed the most I have chosen fruit tea, exercise and healthy food. God help me.

This date was the most disappointing. After meeting this chap on Plenty of Fish and staring at his photos countless times I had decided geeky cute was for me.

I started the whole talking thing. It takes a lot of effort to talk. I have had the same conversation with so many men now maybe I should have a pre typed up script ready. Copy and paste. Interestingly this is how some male daters choose to go about it. I have had countless repeated messages copied word for word. Oh the joys of copying and pasting. My usual reply to the talented copier and pasting culprits is ‘Wow, what excellent copying and pasting skills you have….’

It turned out we lived nearby and he knew a few people I knew. This of course can be problematic. If he knows people I know then he could go off and do his own research. He could them get the obligatory ‘Hannah’s lovely but absolutely crazy!’ Something that does actually occur quite often. No surprise though – I am pretty crazy. I can’t quite work out if its good crazy or bad crazy yet. But time is indeed on my side at the moment…

We moved from the Plenty of Fish private chat function to texting and face-booking. He has passed my initial Facebook stalk test. However the unprecedented amount of photos with his ex-girlfriend had made me question him a little. Of course I was right, a recent break-up. I was probably the rebound. In fact I couldn’t be more right – could I?

But I thought I might as well try – if it didn’t go well I might as well put it down to experience and it was one for the blog.

In fact the blog was born from this very date.

Meeting up was increasingly difficult. What with me being so busy with work and he was busy doing university stuff. Yes I had decided to go for a student – lord knows why. What a bad idea. But there we go I though I should at least try something different.

I was getting sick of putting every experience down to being different. I mean how different did I need to go before I went mad.

One evening,  I received a bit of a drunken text message asking if he could meet me. It was midnight. I had just finished reading my book and was about to go to sleep. It was a school night you see.I thought I would live on the wild side. Yeah that’s me. Wild. Adventurous. Sexy… I live on the edge. Shut up Hannah.

The problem had been that he was too scared to meet me. I don’t think this is exactly good. A man is too scared to meet me. However, after having a drunk he had plucked up the courage to meet me…

He turned up swaying.

In fact he couldn’t stand. Shit I really shouldn’t have given him my address. But remember I was living on the wild-side…

He walked in and he was much shorter than me and unfortunately there was no connection at all. I have told you this all before you can tell straightaway. I had already let him over the threshold.  It’s sad because you waste all this valuable time talking about life with someone who became slightly significant for a while. Then they become a distant memory. Those text messages that were exciting to receive have now become yet another deleted phone number. With the phrase ‘I will just put it down the experience’ stamped in your mind and stored to the ‘let’s forget section’ of my brain.

We talked about life. He slurred his words. Drank all my bedtime water and passed out in my bed with all his clothes on.

Drinking all my bedtime water was a crime in itself. No one wants to get up out of your snuggle nest into the cold to replace it.

I wasn’t leaving my bed. Absolutely not.

I pushed him off my side. We all have a side we sleep on don’t we! He was on my side! Shame on him. Then I literally laid as flat and long as I could. It was like the Red Sea had parted and I was on the right side and off to freedom. He, on the other-hand,  was on the wrong side and would be punished for all eternity.

In the morning I made him toast and tea to help his hangover!

Fortunately, god was on my side,  he did remember that he had come to my house. It would have been horrific if he had woken up in a strange bed and not known where he was.

We chatted and then I thought I am going to have to be honest with you. ‘I am really sorry but you aren’t my type…’

He responded saying ‘ I agree but you have made me realise how much I miss my ex-girlfriend…’

Oh my god did he actually utter those words.

I am telling you now.

I am like chuck in the film Good Luck Chuck.

If you haven’t seen it. Then it is a heart-warming romantic comedy.  There is a man called Chuck. Chuck likes ladies. Chuck likes to sleep with ladies. Ladies sleep with Chuck because they hear he has a magical power that means the next person they meet or date will be the ‘ONE’

Let me point out I have not slept or kissed any of these men. Well if you count the passing out I shared a bed with one. However, I am the reverse of Chuck all these men meet me and realise what they have lost.

It has happened to me about 5 times. No joke.

I have also had my mum told me I should go on a date with you. Great. Well thanks for asking because your mum told you to.

Anyhow the morning turned into a relationship counselling morning, while he ate my provisions – biscuits and drank my tea.

Conversation was interesting. So what did you break up with your girlfriend?

I cheated on her with a man….

Wow, what could I reply?

‘I think you might be gay or bisexual?’

In my head and probably rather selfishly I was saying in my head…. ‘WHY ME!’ ‘EVERY SINGLE DATE I GO ON… SOMETHING GOES WRONG!’ ‘IS IT ME?’

I was polite of course. But to be honest, I wasn’t prepared or even qualified to deal with this or indeed did I have anything really to say. It was 8am. I don’t do mornings.

But bless him I could tell he loved this girl and he genuinely wanted to be with her. My heart went out to him. Surprisingly, I am pretty good with relationship advice. Well, meaning when it comes to other people I full of ideas, comforting words and advice. But, when it comes to taking advice – I never listen. To headstrong and stubborn. Some rather bad qualities of mine.

For the next hour I turned into what can only be called a counselling for the divorced who want to re-marry. I was nice and tried to be understanding.

But what had supposed to be a easy going meeting had turned into the Nightmare on Elm Street.

Help! He psycho-analysised me….

Hello my name is Hannah and after this traumatic experience I am still as ever single…breakfast

It is saturday night and I have eaten my body weight in chinese takeaway and fruit tea. I thought it was time for you all to have another yet amusing installment of my dating life experiences.

I have been told that I do indeed write how I speak. I would like to say that I can write like an adult but on this occasion it doesn’t feel right.

Furthermore apparently according to many my prove-reading is below par. I would like to sincerely apologise for this and I will try harder this time. I can’t help it I am so so excited to get the blog out into the world…bad Hannah.

I think that this is probably my favourite date of the bunch. 

Are you sitting comfortably? You my friend are in for a treat…

On this occasion pretty meeting conversations had lasted for over a month.

We used the Plenty of Fish website to talk to begin with and all began well. In fact, this particular gentleman caught my attention as his first message to me was in the form of a letter of complaint.

For those of you who know me, I am a bit strange, werid and out there. So a letter of complaint appealed to my better nature. It complained about certain aspects on my profile. I had mentioned on my bio: ‘I apologise for the lack of clothing. I understand other females on this website feel the need to get various bits of their bodies out. I am afraid it will just be clothes with me.’

This well researched gentleman jumped on this and wrote I have to say an amusing letter of complaint stating that:

‘I am upset by the lack of clothes but I do agree and respect your wishes. I do find your business advert agreeable and would love to find out about the products your company has to offer…’

I am afraid to say I found this endearing. For at least a week we only communicated in complaint letters. Can you imagine being at my wedding reception – ‘It all began when I sent a complaint to letter to Hannah about the lack of her clothes.’

I can tell you now that my father would be almost as unamused as when an x boyfriend of mine wrote in a birthday card to my dad ‘Thanks for your daughter’ (TRUE STORY).

We got on extremely well and of course mobile numbers were exchanged. We talked non-stop. Whatsap, I have to say is an excellent invention – you can see when people have read your text. A recipe for disaster for the paranoid of us.

Then while I was unfortunately homeless, I was waiting to move into my next abode and it was taking longer than anticipated. In fact the flat I was supposed to be moving into fell through – I am still bitter towards the estate agents. Anyhow I was staying on my next door neighbours sofa who actually have become excellent friends of mine for nearly a month. The young man in question had suggested that we skyped. So we did, amongst the giggling of friends from my end and the shouting of his mother and father on his end. That should have been a bloody warning sign.

We continued this talking thing for a while longer. Then we decided to meet. Meeting someone from a dating website does require a large amount of planning.

  1.  Notify your closest friends
  2. Make sure your phone charger is completely charged (or if you have an iphone like me – take the charger with you…)
  3. Wear suitable attire for the occasion
  4. Don’t look like you have tried too hard
  5. Make sure you have a decent excuse prepared if you need to make a quick exit

We decided to meet half-way between us. Oakham. What the actual fuck. Seriously. Why.

He had organised this date from scratch, seriously the effort was slightly heartwarming to a point. Maybe I am just a terrible and ungrateful person but a guided walk around Oakham. As in he was my guide. He had a guide map that he had printed off. subsequently we walked around what can only be described as the most boring village in the world.

Although,I did get excited about playing on the swings. He was unamused.

However, before we embarked on our epic trail we enjoyed a pub lunch – there was an awkward shuffle when we had to pay for our bill. Don’t get me wrong having a man pay is lovely – but I do not expect it and actually the feminist in me would rather split the bill. We split the bill.

Then off we went on our walk around the epic village of Oakham.

During this walk looking at the post office, the co-op and other exciting landmarks he psychoanalysised me.

Yes this happened.

FUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went along with it of course because I am for one a well brought up young lady and the other, well I was intrigued. What would be wrong with me?

In fact, he enjoyed it so much that when we stopped for tea (which he didnt even offer to pay for any of the £1.90) he asked for some paper and a pen. He was serious. I was going to find out what this psychoanyalising stuff had decided I was like as a person.

I remember every single step.

Step 1: Draw a box of any size, anywhere on the A4 page: it can be 3D, 2D, colourful or translucent

Ok – so what is the first thing that comes into my head – well, a rubix cube. I draw it in the top left hand page, a reasonable size and shade in certain bits to show its coloured.

Step 2: Draw a ladder: it can be in any direction across, downwards, diagonal

Logically I draw it across the middle of the page

Step 3: Draw a flowers: it can be one or more and arranged in any way as possible

I draw a bunch of flowers resting in the middle rung of my ladder

Step 4: Draw storm clouds wherever you want on the page

I draw the storm clouds in the top righthand corner of the page, don’t want my ladder, flowers and box to get wet – now do i? Plus some rain, thunder and a grey cloud.

Step 5: Draw a horse anywhere on the page

I draw a horse lying down underneath the ladder because funnily enough I can’t draw a bloody horse.

Step 6: Write three words to describe the horse

I wrote, lazy, content and fat

There and that was it. From this he got the following.

The box represented my personality and apparently was quite an extrovert person due to the colourful box I drew. Next the ladder, because the ladder was lying down and not up against anything he concluded I had no life drive or ambition. The flowers represented my friends, my flowers meant I had few friends and in not many places. The thunder clouds showed that I had I worried. How I had described the horse was apparently how I liked my prospective partners to be, Yes LAZY CONTENT and FAT.

Then he laughed. He laughed because according to this crap I was mental.

WOW. Jesus mother of Mary. First of all had he not listened to anything I had said on our date about job aspirations and such like? Secondly, was this man qualified because if he was I needed to turn my life around ASAP!

Trust me when I had made my excuse that the rabbit needed to be fed as soon as possible. I left. When I got on that train and it pulled away – I have never been so relieved in all of my life.

As the trees and fields rushed past I actually asked myself whether that had actually happened. Who gets their party trick out on the first date….

It made me question life for all of 5 minutes and then I sent him the text… ‘I don’t think this is going to work. It’s not you. It is apparently me because according to what you call an accurate reading has turned me into a mental and paranoid unachiever.’

The man who didn’t sleep…

hannah

Hello my name is Hannah. After this date I am most definitely still 100% single…

Well if you thought the last date was terrible – they are getting worse. This one sinks to a new low.

Today I am sitting on the sofa,  back in my University home town, it was my first day back to work after Christmas and New Year – if I am honest I was pleasantly surprised.

I am snuggled in what I can only describe as a soiled duvet, unfortunately the only constant love in my life – is the rabbit and she decided that it was an excellent place to take a pee. Although I have cleaned the duvet but I can’t stop thinking about rabbit wee.

I am drinking Lemon and Ginger tea because I have given up normal tea in the name of white teeth and I just basically ate a whole Lindt Chocolate bear. As I have few pleasures left in life I am going to stuff my face. But after you have read this exciting dating experience you will let me off the large amounts of chocolate.

This was my third date but my second man. It was around July when the date debacle happened – because I remember setting up for University graduation and intermittently texting this man. Via text he seemed a lovely young man and easy to talk to. No mental problems and no issues in sight. However, daters be warned it is surprising how together people appear via the written word.

It was absolutely boiling hot outside and I was dressed in the smallest shorts – I think much to the disgust of the other members of staff I was working with. I am a lady but I have to say short shorts were on the cards because I was not and will not tolerate sweat. It makes me feel uncomfortable and then I end up getting more sweaty because I was uncomfortable because of the sweat which then makes me hotter. Yes you get the idea.

Anyhow,  I can’t even remember the man’s name so I have nicknamed him as the ‘man who didn’t sleep’. We finally arranged to finally meet that week. He had to drive quite far but it was nice to know someone was making an effort. I, on the other had lived less than two minutes from our meeting place.

I put the closeness down to safety measures. The middle class drinking pub thing where we had arranged to meet sell a variety of expensive cocktails, have miss-match furniture and a log fire projected on to a wall. By meeting men in this pub I was less than two minutes from my house and my housemate, Matt was just a prank call away. If I did indeed prank call Matt  ( yes I have had a lot of housemates)  he could be a hop, skip and a jump away. Save me from whatever I needed saving from or pretend to be a long lost friend or something.

My escape was planned. Daters always plan an escape.

Well ‘man that didn’t sleep’ turned up – I had an awkward job of spotting him to be fair – yes thats right because he didn’t look anything like his bloody photos on the dating site.

It was like playing Where’s Wally without  actually knowing what he looked like!!

After finding the mere shadow of the man I knew straight away when I met him that I was defiantly not attracted to him in any shape or form. The whole three second attraction was more like less than one second. I said ‘Hi’ and my mind said ‘absolutely not!’ Poor guy he didn’t stand a chance to begin with. However, he didn’t help himself at all….

Daters, you may find yourself in a similar situation and asking similar kinds of questions that I was asking as I sipped my coke… I had to be sober for this one.

These thoughts were going through my mind:

When can I leave?                    He doesn’t even look like he is supposed to = WHY?   

Did he have plastic surgery?     Oh god maybe he stole the photos off google?  

Who was the attractive man in the photos? Do I ask?     HELP?

                           When is it ok to leave?                 Maybe I should leave – I am never going to see him again?

How long do you actually have to sit with this man?                       Why me? Whyyyy?

You get the idea…

It was terrible. I haven’t even got to the conversation. I felt like I was sitting with my grandma. However, ironically this was a test I had decided that the younger men of my generation were terrible so I thought, well give this for a bunch of bananas and decided that 32 years of age was an excellent idea.

I ended up with a man who didn’t look like the man on the dating website, who had no personality and who was 32 years old but looked more like 40 – oh god maybe he was 40. Low point was an understatement.

Now to the conversation it was like a job interview for a job that pays peanuts and you don’t really care about but you know your mum wants you to at least try at getting it. But in this situation my mother would tell me to run away.

What do you enjoy doing? He asked.

Well I really enjoy playing sport, going to the gym, seeing my friends umm the usual really  What about you?…’ I reply

I don’t have time for hobbies….What are your favourite things to do – like at the weekend? No time for hobbies and excellent another boring question maybe I would turn to drink.

I love that feeling when you wake up on a saturday morning and you think you need to get up for work. Then you suddenly realise that you don’t have to get up and you can keep sleeping. I love that feeling especially when you drop in and out of sleep…I answered in the hope that we had some common ground – who doesn’t like to sleep.

 I get up at 5am everyday even at the weekend. How can you enjoy sleep – you aren’t awake and you cannot remember it… seriously this man got up everyday at 5am and didn’t like to sleep. Jesus mother of mary.

We argued for 45 minutes about sleeping. I have never been in a situation where someone had actually told me off for sleeping. It was like being at parents evening where the teachers always said ‘Hannah does not concentrate in class’ accept this time it was ‘Hannah sleeps far too much which is not acceptable…’

After he told me in depth why sleeping was not good and I should start everyday at 5am.

I am sorry I got up and left…

I have never walked out on a date ever but I just thought I am never going to see this man again.

I went to bed. I got up at 8am and I swear he would be hoping mad if he knew the other day I slept in till 10am!

What a sleep arsehole.

I now proclaim that this dating game has begun!

hannah 2Hello, my name is Hannah and yes after this date… I am still single…

The dating had indeed begun.

To be honest, the men on this dating website were well, much to be desired.

However, it had crossed my mind that maybe I was getting a little too fussy. In my whole twenty-two years I have never been on or even asked on a date. I believe that when in a relationship the meals out, cinema trips and holidays away don’t really count. For one you are already in a relationship. The chase is already complete.

So I was a dating virgin.

Cringe!  But I had been in two rather interesting relationships for the last 7 years and no they didn’t overlap. One was during sixth form and the other was through-out University. In terms of boyfriends I hadn’t been short. But love – I had been unlucky.

Firstly before we jump headlong into dating here is some advice that my mother gave me.

The great dating advice from my mother:

  • Always be yourself
  • Don’t wear anything to revealing – if you have your breasts out hide your legs or if you have your legs out keep your breasts at bay.
  • Don’t wear too much make-up because if all goes smoothly and you eventually do starting going out he is going to get a shock when he sees you without make-up
  • If it is a really bad date – just get drunk.

Of course you always listen to your mother, so I took the plunge and went on my first date.

It was a rather spontaneous affair, if I say so myself. As previously mentioned in my last blog ‘Don’t cry you’re only single…’ I was dating on the move. Dating on the move was just another string to my bow.

On this particular day, I was prancing through town spending money I didn’t have.  The young man in question (who I had been speaking to) dropped me a message asking me if I fancied meeting him in town. Well, I was already in town and therefore if I said no, there was a high possibility of bumping into him… so I accepted his invitation to sip a light alcoholic beverage at One O’Clock in the afternoon – how delightful.

If anyone has decided or been persuaded by my excellent and witting writing skills to begin online dating – spontaneous dates are the way to go. In fact, on this occasion I was following my mother’s rules without even realising it. I was not wearing any make- up.

I had no time to be worried. So, off I trotted to a quaint cafe/pub thing to meet the young gentleman. He was a lovely young man, however he was wearing what I can only call the most orange hat I have ever seen in my life, matching orange trimmed bag and orange trimmed shoes.

Boy – this boy loved orange.

When he removed the orange hat… what was revealed gave me a small shock but I continued to smile sweetly as he ordered me a smoothie (I had decided against drinking due to a lack of food consumed that day – I would either get absolutely wasted on one glass of wine or fall asleep both equally embarrassing).

Yes, he removed his hat and he was BALD. Unfortunately as much as I tried to move past this small molehill I was unable to get past it. Throughout the whole friendly conversation… round and round my head constantly was the question.

You are twenty-four and bald. Why? Why oh why?

You must understand that I do have a slight issue with hair. From a young age I have been scared of men with beards and used to regularly hide behind my parents sofa when bearded friends came to visit. However, that day I learnt I also had a problem with no hair at all. To add to this fact he was also slightly shorter than me. The shortness is some kind of native primal reproducing no no – whereby if he isn’t taller than you – your ovaries shrink away and proclaim that this is not a suitable mate.

We finished our drinks and I was greeted by a phone call from my friend Scarlett who was going to be staying me for two weeks while she completed a short stint of work experience and waited for the move-in date for her new house. I had to go home and let her into my ground-floor flat. Date number one came along – whereby Scarlett looked happy to see a man. Scarlett then managed to get him to carry all of her suitcases into my house…

In any situation in life – I made tea and we conversed leisurely.

When he decided to leave we hugged awkwardly… I seriously have no idea what to do when you say goodbye after a date. However, no kissing absolutely not.

For the life of me I do not know why I agreed to go on a second date the poor guy had been used and abused as a removal man, he was too short, he liked orange and he was bald.

The next date consisted of him telling me over dinner at a rather well-known Southern Indian restaurant that has recently been done for poisoning half of our local council including the health food inspectors on their christmas party – that he had never met anyone like me and I was almost like the girl version of him….

Oh god.

Then he asked if he could kiss me – I don’t know why I said it but I said…

You have to wait ten dates!

I am such a bad person because I knew full well that this lovely man was not the one for me. Seriously there was nothing wrong with him in terms of the conversations that we were having. But the more and more I looked and listened the more and more I just couldn’t do it.

So there you have it my very first date was out of the way. I promise you they get worse and worse as they go on.

women

Don’t cry you’re only single…

Hannah New YearHello my name is Hannah and I am single….

Usually I would write this blog with a large but yet sensible glass of red wine, but alas I am currently in the grips of Dryatholon –  mainly to prove to my mother that I am capable of not drinking and am a sensible young women of the world. Therefore,  I have replaced alcohol with chocolate. So either way weight will not be lost. But maybe I will feel like a better person – probably not.

In terms of New Year Resolutions I have decided to think before I speak, do more excercise and not go on anymore dates… let me explain the last one: –

Last May, I was snuggled on the sofa and sipping a cup of tea with friends and the subject of men arose. As women, men would be surprised that we don’t actually talk about you (meaning men) all the time or in fact have many of the steroypical conversations that you all think we do – thanks to excellent media portrayals… NOT.

I have never had much luck with men and to be honest, I always end up falling for the bad ones. But yet twenty-two is the age to experiment (uhem, not like that) and find out what you really want in life. Yes I know – I sound like a young Bridget Jones,  but while some of my other friends are buying houses and settling down – I have been enduring some of the worst dates of my life.

Anyway I digress, back to the snuggling on the sofa – on this one occsasion myself and my wonderful friends Anastasia and Scarlett were disucssing men. Anastasia has and still has a wonderful boyfriend, whereas myself and our friend Scarlett were enjoying single life. We are all still focusing on being excellent career women- and to be honest we are pretty good at the career part.  Even on some nights out we appear to network all the time and you will be surprised that networking on nights out is usually the most fruitful. People tend to let their guards down a little bit –  once they have had a drink or two…

But like they always say if your work life is going well your personal life is not.

My personal life isn’t terrible I have some amazing friends who I have met at University, work and so on.  I of course would like to state that don’t need a man in my life to get by.

But we all miss the snuggles.

I can’t clutch and hug my friends on the sofa forever.

In a rather mad moment, during my evening with Scarlett and Anastasia I suddently decided to join a dating website and looking back on it I don’t really know why I did it. Having left university meeting young eligible men in the area that I live in has become increasingly difficult – which is surprising.

They say that 70% of students find their future husband or wife at University – so that means I am in the 30% that weren’t so lucky.

I will not be marrying any of friends anytime soon (only if I get desperate).

Unfortunately when we do go out for a few drinks and a dance in our usual haunt we find ourselves surrounded by newly fledged sweaty round the edges eighteen year olds, which actually is pretty shocking. You almost have to check ID before engaging in any conversation. The feeling of being that little bit older hits hard, in fact this years first year students at University were born in 1994…. (our networking evenings usually occur in a different city or in a different place to our usual watering hole!)

I signed up to the dating website, Plenty of Fish (others of course are available). I decided that having the app on my iphone was an excellent way to multitask – dating as you ate lunch, at the gym – you name it you could date anywhere.

Let me explain how it is done. You have to create a profile that includes five photos of yourself, a strapline that would interest potential suitors and then a more in depth ‘About yourself’ part.

Writing about yourself is surprisingly hard – how do you make yourself appealing? Honestly, the whole process was terrifying. It was like writing a CV but for dating.  This small section had to explain what you did, what you enjoyed, your hobbies and any other things you felt other people would like to know about you.

At one point I was going to ask my friends to write my biography for me – but then I was scared what would be written!

The next step was  to pick five photos of yourself – after researching what kind of photos you should pick (yes I researched). I decided to go with photos of just me having fun – whether I was on a night out or at work. The ironic thing is that your photo is the first people look at so basically people can judge you on your looks or how skinny or fat you are. People can be attracted to you in less than 3 seconds – I think this is correct.

The rules of picking photos:

  1. Choosing photos with friends is a bad idea because from experience at looking at other peoples profiles the person always seems to be the one your least attracted to or you end up wishing he was one of his friends.
  2. Other no’s are people who take ‘selfies’ in the mirror often with sunglasses on which I have to say still puzzles me greatly
  3.  Photos with your mum – nobody wants a mummies boy!
  4. Photos where you can’t actually see someones face – such as skiing photos – oh lovely your really active and you have uploaded all these great photos of you having fun wearing a hat and goggles – I CAN NOT SEE YOUR FACE.
  5. Uploading photos of just your six pack – if you can’t upload a normal photo then maybe you think that your body is the only thing you have going for you.

To be honest the above may seem harsh but in the world of online dating – these things matter.

I then choose an eye catching strap-line to reel them in like yes fish.  I thought I should carry on with the fish theme of the dating website and went for: ‘I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine…’ (it’s from Finding Nemo),

The messages trickled in… slowly of course. There were many interesting variations of man.

I have found from this experience that men are like insects some are pretty on the outside and are completely empty on the inside, some fly into windows repeatedly and never find the open window, others basically get trodden on by terrified humans before they can even put up a fight and finally some are just too butterfly pretty to be true – get back in your cocoon.

If I am being honest if anyone sent me a Hi, How are you? (spelt in many variations) I ignored them.

But then you got some more interesting messages where people had really made the effort to get under your skin and had done some kind of written comprehension test on your bio, asking really in-depth questions – Terrifying.

Others with variations of ‘Fancy a quickie’ – Absolutely not.

Some called me shallow because I didn’t find them attractive and one in fact told me that he had told all nine of his friends about me and they thought I was a completely horrible person for not accepting his invite of a drink. In fact he got so abusive I had to block him.

So the dating had begun….