Good Luck Chuck in reverse

hannah 2

Still single and I’m loving it…

Dear readers,

I am writing what will be the last dating blog of the series. I haven’t yet plucked up the courage to go on anymore dates or planned any!

Well, because I have decided that it is pointless.

However, whilst spending the weekend with my mother she pointed out that if I was going to go on a date with anyone they would probably be put off by this blog. To be honest she is probably right. My crude but yet amusing take on the dating world has probably ruined any chance of eternal happiness, puppies, a house in the country and four adorable children. Oh well shit happens.

In fact I have given up men for January. I have just starting writing about men which to be honest, has made me want a man more. Not ideal.

This is to add to the long list of other things I have given up including, alcohol and fun of any kind. The problem with January is that no one has any money. In the world of work you get paid 10 days earlier than you normally would due to the celebration of Christmas. Therefore in the month where alcohol, men and crap food is needed the most I have chosen fruit tea, exercise and healthy food. God help me.

This date was the most disappointing. After meeting this chap on Plenty of Fish and staring at his photos countless times I had decided geeky cute was for me.

I started the whole talking thing. It takes a lot of effort to talk. I have had the same conversation with so many men now maybe I should have a pre typed up script ready. Copy and paste. Interestingly this is how some male daters choose to go about it. I have had countless repeated messages copied word for word. Oh the joys of copying and pasting. My usual reply to the talented copier and pasting culprits is ‘Wow, what excellent copying and pasting skills you have….’

It turned out we lived nearby and he knew a few people I knew. This of course can be problematic. If he knows people I know then he could go off and do his own research. He could them get the obligatory ‘Hannah’s lovely but absolutely crazy!’ Something that does actually occur quite often. No surprise though – I am pretty crazy. I can’t quite work out if its good crazy or bad crazy yet. But time is indeed on my side at the moment…

We moved from the Plenty of Fish private chat function to texting and face-booking. He has passed my initial Facebook stalk test. However the unprecedented amount of photos with his ex-girlfriend had made me question him a little. Of course I was right, a recent break-up. I was probably the rebound. In fact I couldn’t be more right – could I?

But I thought I might as well try – if it didn’t go well I might as well put it down to experience and it was one for the blog.

In fact the blog was born from this very date.

Meeting up was increasingly difficult. What with me being so busy with work and he was busy doing university stuff. Yes I had decided to go for a student – lord knows why. What a bad idea. But there we go I though I should at least try something different.

I was getting sick of putting every experience down to being different. I mean how different did I need to go before I went mad.

One evening,  I received a bit of a drunken text message asking if he could meet me. It was midnight. I had just finished reading my book and was about to go to sleep. It was a school night you see.I thought I would live on the wild side. Yeah that’s me. Wild. Adventurous. Sexy… I live on the edge. Shut up Hannah.

The problem had been that he was too scared to meet me. I don’t think this is exactly good. A man is too scared to meet me. However, after having a drunk he had plucked up the courage to meet me…

He turned up swaying.

In fact he couldn’t stand. Shit I really shouldn’t have given him my address. But remember I was living on the wild-side…

He walked in and he was much shorter than me and unfortunately there was no connection at all. I have told you this all before you can tell straightaway. I had already let him over the threshold.  It’s sad because you waste all this valuable time talking about life with someone who became slightly significant for a while. Then they become a distant memory. Those text messages that were exciting to receive have now become yet another deleted phone number. With the phrase ‘I will just put it down the experience’ stamped in your mind and stored to the ‘let’s forget section’ of my brain.

We talked about life. He slurred his words. Drank all my bedtime water and passed out in my bed with all his clothes on.

Drinking all my bedtime water was a crime in itself. No one wants to get up out of your snuggle nest into the cold to replace it.

I wasn’t leaving my bed. Absolutely not.

I pushed him off my side. We all have a side we sleep on don’t we! He was on my side! Shame on him. Then I literally laid as flat and long as I could. It was like the Red Sea had parted and I was on the right side and off to freedom. He, on the other-hand,  was on the wrong side and would be punished for all eternity.

In the morning I made him toast and tea to help his hangover!

Fortunately, god was on my side,  he did remember that he had come to my house. It would have been horrific if he had woken up in a strange bed and not known where he was.

We chatted and then I thought I am going to have to be honest with you. ‘I am really sorry but you aren’t my type…’

He responded saying ‘ I agree but you have made me realise how much I miss my ex-girlfriend…’

Oh my god did he actually utter those words.

I am telling you now.

I am like chuck in the film Good Luck Chuck.

If you haven’t seen it. Then it is a heart-warming romantic comedy.  There is a man called Chuck. Chuck likes ladies. Chuck likes to sleep with ladies. Ladies sleep with Chuck because they hear he has a magical power that means the next person they meet or date will be the ‘ONE’

Let me point out I have not slept or kissed any of these men. Well if you count the passing out I shared a bed with one. However, I am the reverse of Chuck all these men meet me and realise what they have lost.

It has happened to me about 5 times. No joke.

I have also had my mum told me I should go on a date with you. Great. Well thanks for asking because your mum told you to.

Anyhow the morning turned into a relationship counselling morning, while he ate my provisions – biscuits and drank my tea.

Conversation was interesting. So what did you break up with your girlfriend?

I cheated on her with a man….

Wow, what could I reply?

‘I think you might be gay or bisexual?’

In my head and probably rather selfishly I was saying in my head…. ‘WHY ME!’ ‘EVERY SINGLE DATE I GO ON… SOMETHING GOES WRONG!’ ‘IS IT ME?’

I was polite of course. But to be honest, I wasn’t prepared or even qualified to deal with this or indeed did I have anything really to say. It was 8am. I don’t do mornings.

But bless him I could tell he loved this girl and he genuinely wanted to be with her. My heart went out to him. Surprisingly, I am pretty good with relationship advice. Well, meaning when it comes to other people I full of ideas, comforting words and advice. But, when it comes to taking advice – I never listen. To headstrong and stubborn. Some rather bad qualities of mine.

For the next hour I turned into what can only be called a counselling for the divorced who want to re-marry. I was nice and tried to be understanding.

But what had supposed to be a easy going meeting had turned into the Nightmare on Elm Street.

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