V is for… urgh Valentines Day!


I am sure many of you are aware that I am single.

However, I have always been against the capitalist celebration of Valentine’s Day. In fact, when I was in a relationship the celebration of Valentine’s Day was banished and turned into fillet steak day. Also, to the dirty minded of my readers – NO it was not the other kind of steak day.

This Valentine’s Day I was single. For the first time in four years, which was refreshing, although sadly, it was minus the steak. But, I did have a rather amusing day.

Love was not on my mind.

Well, apart from scrolling through the unlikely males on Tinder. I have now decided that Tinder is a game about how many matches I can get. I am not interested in part-taking in any conversation with anyone. At just over 420 matches I think I have done pretty well! I have of course had some amusing messages sent to me (which will be discussed in another blog). As well as, particular friends hi-jacking my phone on nights out and liking people they know full well I wouldn’t be attracted to. You know who you are. Bastards!

This Valentine’s Day I ate two packs of love hearts, so fast I ended up having fizzy indigestion. It was like being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – well how I would imagine it would feel. Then I ate a whole bar of ‘Extra Creamy’ Lindtt Chocolate. I felt sick. But it was a good single sick feeling – rather than that questionable morning sick feeling you might get if you were in a relationship. If you know what I mean. So winning.

Valentine’s this year involved a comedy evening, a bottle of champagne, two men and some chicken. What a night. Now I know what some of you are thinking – this girl knows how to party! Yes, yes I do.

The two men were both from work and could both pass as my dad. So let me get this straight, I spent my Valentine’s evening with two middle aged men. But, it was the best Valentine’s evening I have ever had. No joke.

We got very very drunk before we attended the comedy evening, ‘Comedy Blind Date.’ I drank a whole bottle of champagne and introduced the gentlemen to tequila shots with a twist. Forget salt and lemon. Try cinnamon and orange juice. So much better. I would go as far as saying more civilised way of shotting (I know this isn’t a real word) into oblivion.

Being the classy lady that I am, I took the remnants of my champagne  or maybe I opened another bottle (I can’t remember) to the comedy evening in a plastic bottle, Which  I swigged from during the show. To be honest,drinking was the only way to prepare us for this night . Upon our arrival, I noticed to my disgust everyone was on a date. Why  would you come to a comedy evening called ‘Comedy Blind Date’ when you already have a date? It is in no way romantic.

What a joke. I can’t remember whether I was drunk or I had missed the point completely, but, the evening involved three comedians battling it out to be a random women’s date that was already pre chosen. Baffling. There was no potential for me to find a man and I was watching comedians who didn’t want to be there win a date with a women they didn’t want. Unfortunately, there were far to many jokes about divorce. I laugh at them. Some people may have cried. Others may have reassured their partners that divorce was out of the question – ‘we are solid as a rock!’. For those starting out in a new relationship, its 1 in 3. Just saying! But I thought ‘divorce on Valentine’s Day, shame on you!’ What a hoot!

The comedian presenter began by asking random couples questions about how happy they were together, how long they had been together…. BORING. Needless to say the comedian asked is anyone single.

I shouted ‘Yes’ and no one else did. Ha. Story of my life. Sorry for being single.

Well of course this gave the man a good reason to pick on me. Seriously, every-time I go to a comedy evening I usually get picked on. Unfortunately for the comedians I give as good as I get and often get more laughs than the comedians themselves (true story). In this case, I gave it so good the only thing this comedian could say was ‘Shut up!’ I replied ‘Thought so…!’

I sat in between my fathers for the evening whilst swigging from my plastic bottle of champagne. It was delightful. Then to end the evening we went into what one of my father’s likes to call ‘Chicky Joe’s’ no idea why, I usually call it by the name of the shop. These can vary from ‘Maryland Chicken’,’In and Out Chicken’ and so on. I once told Alistair Campbell to get a meal from In and Out Chicken. Anyway I digress, we proceeded to ask for a family bucket of chicken, no idea why.

Does anyone love the feeling in the taxi ride home when you are starving hungry, holding a hot steaming bag of food – in a paper brown bag (so that no one knows what it is) and you save it till you get home. For some reason I love eating the late night drunken takeaway in bed. Which I did.

I woke up with a half eaten box of chicken in my bed. But it was a good Valentine’s Day.


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