‘hello there, if you stopped mentally masturbating over your body we could all have a go on the weights…’

I would firstly like to apologise for my lack of blogging. I kind of went and got myself a job… I know right. Anyhow…

After an exteremely long day at work, there is nothing more we want to do than sink into the sofa, glass of wine in hand and watch unimportant television. That’s how today’s professionals relax – well speaking from my own experiences. But after completing this ritual every night for a week, it is fair to say you have achieved absolutely nothing of importance during the week. Recently, I have become a gym-bunny – three or four times a week I finish work, trek to the gym, complete my work-out, walk home, cook, eat and then slowly melted into bed.

I think you all know what’s coming – I thought it would be wonderful to write about what I have observed and had to deal with while completing the government recommended amount of regular excercise. To give you an insight into my daily routine – I have to walk to and from work lugging all my gym attire because we are not allowed to leave stuff in lockers in the gym – which is understandable. Otherwise there would be no lockers left at all. However, I have already completed a half an hour work out before I even start work – usually I have to remove most of my clothing when I get to work because I am so hot and sweaty… so having a locker would be most agreeable.

The changing room is always interesting. I have come to the conclusion that everyone has the same parts. I am not going to go and hide or hold a towel with my teeth as I struggle to get underdressed. Funnily enough yes we all have breasts and a vagina in the women’s changing room… Therefore what is really the point in hiding. I know that some people suffer from body issues but we are all here for the same reason – to get fit and improve what god gave us.

On the other hand, some people are very comfortable and enjoy hair-drying their bodies after a shower or a dip in the pool. Yes naked bodies. Drying their bodies with a hair-dryer. Or weighing themselves naked. Baffling. But yet amusing. I don’t stare in a pervert manor. I just can’t help but think. Thank you for bring entertainment to this changing room. This sight is always mixed with ‘Oh my god, he didn’t call me,’ ‘She is such a bitch’ ‘I said to my husband to take the rubbish out and he just didn’t’ ‘Have you finished that essay/presentation yet?’ ‘Are you going out tonight… I really want to get wasted..’ This is a selection of what goes on when I am ripping my clothes off.

The gym is full of many different people. It is fasinating.

1. There are your fitness fantaics who are there to run miles and miles on the treadmill,  as they prepare for marathon number ten – I personally enjoy racing them on the treadmill. Let me explain, they increase the speed, I increase mine that little bit more… and so on until I of course win.

2. There are groups of girls who follow a strict fitness plan, they attend classes, wear tight lyrca leggings and excercise, wash and go to the toilet in groups.

3. There are groups of guys who don’t part-take in any cardio excercise at all. Instead they line up behind one another doing weights. Let me explain the set up… one guy lifts weights that are far too heavy for him, another guy ‘spots him’ so that he doesn’t drop the weights and hurt himself, whilst this is going three or four other guys crowd round the weightlifter. Then they rotate. WIthin this group – there is always a really really skinny guy who should lift slightly smaller weights.

The wife beaters are out in force. Protein shakers are in abundance. The swagger to the water machine is OUT!

4. There are the gym goers who love themselves – whether it is a women who thinks wearing tight lycra trousers and just a sports bra is OK – it is not – firstly the men who are trying to excercise can’t concentrate. Sadily all female empowerement goes out of the window and the girl is greeted by digusted or jealous looks(depending on the person) from fellow female gym-users.  Or you have the men who basically get off on watching themseleves lift weights in the mirror – if they could have sex with themselves they would… Just saying. I really want to say – ‘hello there, if you stopped mentally masturbating over your body we could all have a go on the weights…

4. There are then your single excercisers who don’t want to be spoken to. They balance their excercise routine and do both weights and cardio and are digusted by everyone else in the gym. This is me. Literally go away, I do not want to engage in any conversation with you and no I do not care what you have to say.

5. Finally, you have the gym staff – who work in the gym but also feel the need to prove to everyone that they can:

  1. Use the gym equipment
  2. Have bigger muscles than everyone else
  3. Love themselves
  4. Only speak to regular gym goers
  5. Swig from protein shakes like its tea
  6. Use the gym equipment at the busiest time possible because ‘it’s their right’

The list continues….

After you have had to battle through the variety of different gym users and finally completed your work-out, it is time to take the next step, whether this is showering or using the swimming pool faclities. This is actually one of the most difficult steps at the gym.

I usually use the steam room or the sauna which is fantastic way to chill out and relax your poor excercised body. However, I have experienced a variety of interesting situations and conversations within the confines of the sauna. Firstly, what can be worse than entering the sauna to be greeted by a selection of your work colleagues – let me tell you – NOTHING! You cannot leave because it is rude. Then you have to engage in polite conversation whilst you try to cover as much of your body as possible in the process… they have basically seen you naked. You then have to look forward to the awkward corridor hellos and kitchen meetings… you know what they have seen.

Another annoying and un-amusing situation is dealing with regular gym users – those users you see all the time. They go to the gym at similar times but you have never actually spoken to them. For some reason unknown to me, the sauna seems to be the place where people feel like its ok to start up conversation… I do not know you… but feel that because you see each other at the gym it is approiate to engage in unimportant chit chat. Absolutely not. Sod off.

The other situation I have to say I do enjoy is sitting in the steam room with 15 male students as they proceeed to fufill every-single male stereotype there is! They are oblivious that I am sitting there. I have learnt about the whole history of Chelsea football clubs winning and loosing history, what a girl should and shouldn’t do in bed and toilet antics….

Whereas, groups of women also fufill stereotypes as they basically reinact the famous mirror scene from mean girls… ‘Oh my god my legs are huge.’ ‘If you think your legs are huge look at my stomach…’

Then we have to shower. Please please will someone explain to me why the glass is barely frosted and I have to be greeted by images of people’s bodies pressed up against the glass walls (that then becomes infrosted) as they pick up shampoo bottles or things they have dropped. Furthermore – WHY ARE YOU SHARING SHOWERS…. this is not ok. I don’t want to feel anymore uncomfortbale washing my body.

So there you have it. The gym uncovered. A comprehensive guide to a particular gym in Leicester.

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