Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to mingle!

January. Not only the most depressing month of the year, when no one has any money and everyone is fat after Christmas, but also the month when the shops become full of love. It’s everywhere staring you in the face, love hearts, chocolates, red roses – Valentine’s Day. Another beautiful reminder that yes, you are still single. In fact you’ve actually almost lost count of how many years you have been single for because it’s been THAT long.

It’s not that there aren’t any men around, because according to my highly reliable source (Wikipedia) there are actually about 3.5 billion of the scallywags roaming this earth. It just seems to be that none of them are quite the ‘right’ one for me. And I’m not prepared to settle for just anyone.

For quite a long time being single did bother me, most of my friends are in relationships – and most of those have been long term, so I’ve often felt like the odd one out or that awkward third wheel. It is only recently following an around the world adventure, that I did completely solo, that I have realised being in a relationship is not the be all and end all.

For a start where did this ridiculous notion that we have to be in a relationship to be happy come from? There are pressures coming from endless directions, it’s like you can’t avoid the subject. Family – parents especially wanting grandchildren. Friends who try to set you up with people who either; you are completely not interested in, or they aren’t interested in you (plain fucking awkward in my books). Then there’s the media, magazine covers splashed with ‘how to’ articles, and Facebook with its suggested adverts for match.com and various other dating sites. It’s literally everywhere like a huge fat plague.

At this point I would like to mention that I’m not some complete freak who has never had any interaction with the male species because I have, probably more so than is necessary but you know that’s just how the cookie crumbles. And maybe it is because of these interactions that I have remained single mostly because the only men who seem to be interested in me for more than my lady parts are complete weirdos. Let me introduce you to them.

Exhibit one: the random Facebook message

So there I was happily sat on Facebook stalking away as you do, when I got a random friend request. This doesn’t tend to happen too often these days so I was intrigued and decided to message said male. Here is our conversation

Please tell me how this is normal? I probably should have found the first response a bit odd let’s face it who adds all their ‘people you may know’ anyway. Needless to say I swiftly blocked him and moved on.

Exhibit two: the charity man

You may be aware of the charity man if you have read previous entry’s on Hannah’s blog. However if not I shall give you a brief update.  I met said charity man whilst shopping, he ended up giving me my number and I texted him. Here was his was his reply:

Who the fuck is Eden? Yes that’s right he didn’t even know which one of the many I was. No ego boosts here! Kudos to whoever voted I didn’t text – you my friend were correct.

I won’t bore you with anymore, quite frankly, embarrassing encounters I think you get the idea. But what have I learnt from this? I’ve learnt that my twenties are going to be my selfish years. I worked hard for my career, and I worked hard to go travelling, both of which I did by myself.

I’ve learnt that freedom is valuable and while I’m single I have nothing to hold me back, I can travel when and where I want, I can live where I want, I can stay out late and the only person I have to answer to is myself, plus I don’t have to share a bed with anyone – hello starfish! Most importantly I get to learn who I am, what’s important to me, and to love myself.

Basically I’m a strong independent woman and I don’t need no man, well not just yet anyway.


– Guest Blogger: QueenB


If you fancy joining the guest blogging movement – feel free to get in touch – and express your dating stories!

Alan Sugar Pick Up

Good day. I’m back. .

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After 6000 views last year I have decided that just because I currently have a man locked in a Harry Potter cupboard – this does count as a boyfriend. I feed him sandwichesI This boyfriend thing, doesn’t mean I cannot write about the ways of the dating world. I am the inner goddess. I am the spokesperson for all those dating and love problems that you may have. So, this means I want you to tell me what’s wrong, or indeed right.

Recently, one of my best friends did just that – she sought my powerful advice. Take note.

She was approached in the street by one of those people that get you to sign up and give money for charities. Let me point out I am not here to make fun of the charity people – who do an amazing and wonderful job. Anyhow – this man got talking to the lovely lady in the street. He wanted her to give money to a charity – I am sure he discussed the great need and facts. She wanted to of course get on and continue her stroll within the centre of the city she currently resides.

However that is not how the story goes, Let me set the scene, It was raining. As the rain poured the beautiful lady had her coat hood up – because you protect your face. Anyhow a young man guided my friend into a sheltered area – how delightful. She of course whipped off her hood in a seductive way and with a hair flick…. he exclaimed oh you’re a red head I love red heads. Women being women – the lady of course disagreed and said it was brown but would accept the compliment.

He spent approximately two seconds discussing the charity and then the rest was conversation and I quote…

Standard shit like ‘so what’s your boyfriends name?’ Me ‘oh I don’t have one’ him ‘surely not’ you get the jist.

Oh this man pulled the ‘pen trick’ – you know the whole mean girls thing when she’s like what’s the date today and he says the date. Same deal but with a pen. I wonder really where he stashed his pen. He is a charity man. Who doesn’t have a pen when they are a charity man.

However, instead of getting what he wanted – her card details, address and three digit security pin. He who ,I am told on good authority, is a bit of a ‘looker’ – somehow ended up giving something to her. No it was not a leaflet. It was his number on a tattered bit of paper he had ripped off one of his charities leaflets…

‘when you get the course call from the charity don’t mention this bit..’ As he wrote down his number.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY!

It would appear that it was quite the conversation. Apparently – Get this they discussed star signs and that he lived with his nan whilst She lived with her parents.

I have been asked to give my Twitter information to a young charity man before! So my friend, maybe it is the in thing. Maybe it is the thing to do – build your contact sphere and all.

Furthermore, my friend in question had gone to Primark to buy some sports clothes to and I quote ‘Cheer herself up….’

Maybe the whole New Year, New You gym clothes thing made her ooze sexual and all powerful natural women.

Or… is this the new way? People have given up on dating websites and have decided to get what is basically an Alan Sugar type street selling job. This young man is all about getting paid to pick up women.
Now… I have discussed in great detail with the young lady in question what this means.

I mean come on… does this mean this young man is highly desperate? Was it an ‘oh’ at first sight?

What the hell do you do now? The ball is her court. Does she text this young man? What on earth do you say…?

‘Hi, we met on the street and you tried to get me to sign up to give some money to a charity. I was wearing…’

Are we surprised by such an action that would only usually occur in most probably a nightclub when you are pretty drunk, or not – drinking isn’t cool. I was baffled and my advice was probably the worst. I was like ‘just text him’ and she replied when?. I then said now. Maybe that was poor advice. I was just really interested – then my mind moved into a kind of Bridget Jones trance. I then pictured her wedding with charity man who had asked her for money and instead given her his number. It is a story made by the stalks in heaven.
But really, do we have to be worried? Is this the future? Are we going to be sidestepped in the street, the café, the supermarket – I mean a man in a car at the traffic lights winked at me the other day and rolled down his window to wish me a nice day – what next he takes out his number on a stick and pokes it at me while we wait at a red traffic light? Heaven forbid.

Therefore ladies and gentleman the dating blog is back. We want comments. I want bloody interaction. I don’t waste 30 minutes of my life writing these joyful conundrums to be laughed at and then forgotten.
So what should she do? Message back or delete? You decide.

Dating: Tinder THE NAKED TRUTH

As my series on dating has shown my dating has been a pretty interesting experience, to say the least. It has had some ups but to be honest mostly downs. But, weridly these downs have been pretty amusing. Everything you have read in these blogs has been completely and utterly true. No truth has been stretched. Nothing has been made up for your entertainment. Maybe – it is the men I am attracted to. Maybe – its because I keep trying new things and moving away from my norm. I don’t think I have a type but upon reflection – its staring me in the face.

Am I desperate? Do I pine to spend time with someone because everyone else round me is in happy relationships. Honestly – the answer is strangely no. You find yourself spending weekends in bed eating peanut butter on toast, drinking tea and then eating a whole jar of peanut butter off a knife – which I have found I love doing. Whilst, your housemate and close friends travel to the different corners of the country to visit their other halves. Joyous. Its lovely and of course I am extremely happy for each and everyone of them. I have found weekends an exciting time to travel, see new friends and see old ones.

They say your twenties are a time for exploring, finding yourself and having fun. I am doing all of those things. I am twenty- two years old and yes, I am single! Who cares! I am loving it. What will the future bring? I have hopefully a prosperous career. At the drop of a hat I could go anywhere in the world.

But, its time to stop. Its time to stop looking. Stop settling just to fit in.

So, I really don’t need a man to complete my life at the moment. Anyone who knows me will realise that I am a career women who wants to be successful in the an industry that needs you to constantly be on top. Constantly up-to-date. Constantly ahead of everyone else. In fact, be more prepared and live life in the fast lane.

Tinder

So that’s why I joined Tinder….

Ha! Got you there.

Tinder is a wonderful invention.

The set up of Tinder is simple.

It connects secretly with Facebook and steals your name, age and a small sample of photos.

You can upload extra photos so that the male/female players can judge you further.

The whole app is based on location – which you can set from 2km to 150km away. I usually have my set to the closet possible which is 2km. I can’t be doing with the prospect of travelling. All though I am sure you all know from my POF dating experiences, men usually travel to see me. I am cool like that.

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Tinder gets better. In fact you don’t even really need to be able to read to use it. It just has pictures. It is dating for the lazy. You can Tinder anywhere!

Tinder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, there is a short blurb section where people mostly write their Twitter, Facebook, BBM pins and Snap-chat names so you can stalk them further. Personally, I think most people are just trying to get extra followers.

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But Tinder cuts the crap. I don’t need to read a long profile about how amazing you were at teaching children in other countries, that you’ve travelled to Thailand and touched a tiger, you just live for the gym and your friends are your life…

Trust me I have read the same blurb hundreds of times and seen the same photos over and over again. Sadly, your travelling experience would appear to be the same as everyone else’s….! So, if you thought that you had a unique experience  I am afraid that 50-60% of people on Tinder have touched a tiger or an elephant, been to a Thailand full moon party, taught in a foreign school, strangely held a snake or been to an American Basketball game.

Tinder is simple.

I look at a photo of you and for all three seconds

of my life I decide if you are attractive. If you fit the bill I swipe my finger to the right and if you don’t really meet my desires its on the scrap heap, swipe to the left!

If both parties have swiped to the right. “It’s a match!’

This then gets added to your match section.

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If I am being honest it is a bit of an ego boost.

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I have currently 545 matches… and sadly they mean nothing.

Then if you can be bothered you can engage in awkward conversation with this person.

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I must say it is just men looking for an easy leg over. I do not part-take in such activities. However, I do enjoy ripping people apart when such requests should be proposed. I actually feel like I am doing these men a favour by either telling them off or messing them around.

I thought I would give you some excellent examples of people I have had to deal with – let me add I have protected their identities.

Personally Marvin (below) is one of my favourites…. and to the rest of the desperate men out there… I hope to god you learn. Thank you Marvin.

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V is for… urgh Valentines Day!

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I am sure many of you are aware that I am single.

However, I have always been against the capitalist celebration of Valentine’s Day. In fact, when I was in a relationship the celebration of Valentine’s Day was banished and turned into fillet steak day. Also, to the dirty minded of my readers – NO it was not the other kind of steak day.

This Valentine’s Day I was single. For the first time in four years, which was refreshing, although sadly, it was minus the steak. But, I did have a rather amusing day.

Love was not on my mind.

Well, apart from scrolling through the unlikely males on Tinder. I have now decided that Tinder is a game about how many matches I can get. I am not interested in part-taking in any conversation with anyone. At just over 420 matches I think I have done pretty well! I have of course had some amusing messages sent to me (which will be discussed in another blog). As well as, particular friends hi-jacking my phone on nights out and liking people they know full well I wouldn’t be attracted to. You know who you are. Bastards!

This Valentine’s Day I ate two packs of love hearts, so fast I ended up having fizzy indigestion. It was like being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – well how I would imagine it would feel. Then I ate a whole bar of ‘Extra Creamy’ Lindtt Chocolate. I felt sick. But it was a good single sick feeling – rather than that questionable morning sick feeling you might get if you were in a relationship. If you know what I mean. So winning.

Valentine’s this year involved a comedy evening, a bottle of champagne, two men and some chicken. What a night. Now I know what some of you are thinking – this girl knows how to party! Yes, yes I do.

The two men were both from work and could both pass as my dad. So let me get this straight, I spent my Valentine’s evening with two middle aged men. But, it was the best Valentine’s evening I have ever had. No joke.

We got very very drunk before we attended the comedy evening, ‘Comedy Blind Date.’ I drank a whole bottle of champagne and introduced the gentlemen to tequila shots with a twist. Forget salt and lemon. Try cinnamon and orange juice. So much better. I would go as far as saying more civilised way of shotting (I know this isn’t a real word) into oblivion.

Being the classy lady that I am, I took the remnants of my champagne  or maybe I opened another bottle (I can’t remember) to the comedy evening in a plastic bottle, Which  I swigged from during the show. To be honest,drinking was the only way to prepare us for this night . Upon our arrival, I noticed to my disgust everyone was on a date. Why  would you come to a comedy evening called ‘Comedy Blind Date’ when you already have a date? It is in no way romantic.

What a joke. I can’t remember whether I was drunk or I had missed the point completely, but, the evening involved three comedians battling it out to be a random women’s date that was already pre chosen. Baffling. There was no potential for me to find a man and I was watching comedians who didn’t want to be there win a date with a women they didn’t want. Unfortunately, there were far to many jokes about divorce. I laugh at them. Some people may have cried. Others may have reassured their partners that divorce was out of the question – ‘we are solid as a rock!’. For those starting out in a new relationship, its 1 in 3. Just saying! But I thought ‘divorce on Valentine’s Day, shame on you!’ What a hoot!

The comedian presenter began by asking random couples questions about how happy they were together, how long they had been together…. BORING. Needless to say the comedian asked is anyone single.

I shouted ‘Yes’ and no one else did. Ha. Story of my life. Sorry for being single.

Well of course this gave the man a good reason to pick on me. Seriously, every-time I go to a comedy evening I usually get picked on. Unfortunately for the comedians I give as good as I get and often get more laughs than the comedians themselves (true story). In this case, I gave it so good the only thing this comedian could say was ‘Shut up!’ I replied ‘Thought so…!’

I sat in between my fathers for the evening whilst swigging from my plastic bottle of champagne. It was delightful. Then to end the evening we went into what one of my father’s likes to call ‘Chicky Joe’s’ no idea why, I usually call it by the name of the shop. These can vary from ‘Maryland Chicken’,’In and Out Chicken’ and so on. I once told Alistair Campbell to get a meal from In and Out Chicken. Anyway I digress, we proceeded to ask for a family bucket of chicken, no idea why.

Does anyone love the feeling in the taxi ride home when you are starving hungry, holding a hot steaming bag of food – in a paper brown bag (so that no one knows what it is) and you save it till you get home. For some reason I love eating the late night drunken takeaway in bed. Which I did.

I woke up with a half eaten box of chicken in my bed. But it was a good Valentine’s Day.

‘Herpes and honesty’

Hello, my name is Becky. After reading Hannah’s blog, it did give me a small amount of satisfaction that the dating world isn’t all ‘Our eyes met across a crowded restaurant… and now we’re married’ – even if that is how some people sell it.

I thought it was time to tell my story. For my dating experience,  I take you to Manchester and a friend’s birthday, a night out involving large amounts of Chinese food, dancing on chairs and Sambuca (as usual always an error).

The lucky gentleman involved was not part of the birthday group, but he was there with a group of friends.

We got chatting (as you do) and I noticed how he had a lovely cheekiness about him. He made me laugh and he had moves like jaggar.  Sadly, nothing came of it, the night ended and we left without exchanging numbers.

About a week later I received a text message from a friend saying that ‘something wonderful had happened’ and that a boy had asked a friend of a friend who happened to know someone at the party for the number of ‘a girl in a black dress with blonde hair’ – nailed it!

I have no idea how I did it but obviously something I had said on the night had made an impact – it must have been my sparkling sense of humor!

We text back and forth for a while and decided to meet for a coffee after he had been mountainbiking (active = good!).

Now at this point I must tell you about a certain ‘condition’ this gentleman had… and I take my hat off to him for telling me early on – it gained him major brownie points – this poor gentleman had a little well known STI … Herpes.

 

Now I’m sure you’re wondering why this bought him brownie points – he could have waited until we hit it off and then told me… I liked the honesty. I contemplated cutting contact because being honest myself I panicked to begin with but after researching it, it’s all not bad – don’t read stuff on the internet it’s just scare-mongering!

The ‘date’ was unfortunately one of the most awkward I have been on, after flirtatious texting I expected a bit of a spark and the general cheekiness I had seen on the night out, however the reality was far from that. We awkwardly chatted about mundane day to day stuff (I actually can’t remember what we talked about which must show how enthralled I was with his conversation). Now I’m sure my conversation wasn’t that riveting either but there are only so many questions you can ask to start a conversation… maybe mine were too poor.. because they failed miserably.

We parted ways – luckily he had other plans (may be been a decoy but I really didn’t care at that point!) however he did ask if I wanted to meet up again… to which I agreed – I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that if we could go somewhere a bit busier with maybe a few drinks we’d both relax and conversation might flow.

Before we made it to that point however the young gentleman pushed the boundaries of politeness over text messaging… at first I thought it was a bit of fun but then swiftly recognised that this was not in my comfort zone so backed off in terms of racy conversation.

He persisted, ignoring my blatant dull replies that I was sending to try and hint him away from that conversation. When that didn’t work I told him that certain comments he made were putting me off him.

Eventually, after speakin about an injury I had to see a physio about he sent a message along the lines of ‘so you must like having your legs open’.

The only response I had…. DELETE.

Have you or someone you know been through a horrific or a good dating experience that you want the world to know about? Well, it is time to let it all out via my amazing blog. Please get in contact via commenting below or Twitter @h_tucks with your stories.

Dear Cupid….

 

581915_983844715512_1927748916_nHello, I am Iain and after these terrible dates I am still single!

 

 

 

 

Dear Cupid

Re: A Catalogue of errors and poor practice

I am writing to you to express my great dissatisfaction with the level of service I have received from your long established and well respected international service. Surely it is not too much to ask that I be able to meet a nice, friendly, smart guy. I feel that I am not asking for the earth, just someone to text back or initiate the conversation once in a while. What follows is a catalogue of poor judgement and poor prospects.

I should begin by admitting that I am quite late to the dating game and at the ripe old age of 27 I know time is against me. I will also admit, much to my own consternation, that I am no Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum, but I am far from John McCririck or Wayne Rooney. I am intelligent, funny, well-travelled and compassionate. I am completing my masters and beginning my professional career.

This surely should not be a particularly difficult task for an angel of love with the years of experience that you so proudly expound. I don’t know how I am meant to meet the man of my dreams. For years I was hoping for a chance encounter in a bar, in the supermarket, at the gym but alas all to no avail. So, in a sign of the times

I decided to embrace online dating. As a gay man I did what all gay men do and upon the arrival ofmy smartphone, downloaded Grindr. I was perhaps foolish in my belief that maybe the man of my dreams was within 2km but I figured that due to the lack of success I had trusting entirely in cupid it was time to try and offer you a helping hand. I didn’t soley rely on Grindr, I was willing to utilise all the tools available to me on the interet: Scruff, Plenty of Fish, Gaydar, I even think there was once a Match.com profile.

As of the end of the January 2014, a mere one month into the start of a new year, I have been on three first dates, all of which began with Grindr. The guys were all around my age, my type, smart, funny, well-travelled, I thought that finally Cupid, after all this time of waiting patiently my luck had changed and everything was going my way! What’s perhaps more impressive is that these guys actually approached me. There’s me, looking for love and three guys come along at once! 2014 was going to be my year!

Date 1: Study Break. This date was in the library café on Sunday afternoon, not the most typically romantic but it worked! The chat was good and we shared similar ambitions. We chatted for an hour and the time just flew by. I was impressed. We then headed back upstairs to our respective floors and it was he, yes he, who said, “let’s do this again”. Praise the Lord! The whatsapp chat continued for a bit but then I realised that it was always I who sent the ‘how’s it going?’ so I decided to see how interested this guy actually was and left it 4 days. Not once did he initiate chat. Cupid, perhaps I don’t understand but this guy initiated chat, suggested doing it again and then falls of the grid. What is the meaning of this, I expect a better level of service from such an established and well trusted bringer of love than this.

Date 2: No shenanigans in the back row. This guy very quickly suggested we meet up as he preferred to talk in person rather than by text. I thought well that’s fine, let’s embrace this, so it’s off to the Hunger Games. We met outside, had a bit of awkward snack chat but then we sat in for 2 hours of silence. Not the most audacious start but Cupid I decided to trust you. Afterwards we went for a coffee and chatted for almost 2 hours, well I say chatted he did most of the talking. And it was mostly about himself and how wonderful he felt that he was. I did add him on Facebook once I got home but it’s safe to say that we’ve not spoken or met up since!

Date 3: Un Café Por Favor. This guy actually sent me a message before the Christmas break and we chatted for a bit but then radio silence over the holidays. Upon my return to Leicester I thought right let’s see if he is still interested and sent a message. He replied! Be still my beating heart! We arranged to meet up one evening but then radio silence once again. Cupid, I was very unhappy with this turn of events and you can rest assured that I made my displeasure known to my friends and colleagues. However, he got in contact and explained his reasoning for the missed date, and all was forgiven. He was keen to rearrange. A coffee date was booked in and it was great, we chatted for 2 hours and could have chatted for more had I not needed to go off for work. Cupid I was beginning to lose hope in your abilities but I thought that this guy may in fact bring the old adage ‘third time’s a charm’ to fruition. But in what is now fast becoming a trend he too has gone silent. I had realised that it was always me who sent the first message so I left it a few days and still nothing.

In conclusion cupid I think I have been more than fair, I have always turned up, looking smart, I’ve got reasonably good chat and I’ve shown an interest in each of these guys. However I feel that you have failed to keep up your end of the bargain, men have shown an interest but where’s the follow up, where’s the continued interest? I have a large number of single, professional friends and I most certainly will not be recommending your services to them, despite your monopoly on the world of romance. I expect this matter to be looked into with a degree of urgency and I trust that someone senior within your organisation will investigate what has clearly been a serious mismanagement of my case.

I look forward to hearing your reply.

Regards,

Iain

 

Have you or someone you know been through a horrific or a good dating experience that you want the world to know about? Well, it is time to let it all out via my amazing blog. Please get in contact via commenting below or Twitter @h_tucks with your stories.

Good Luck Chuck in reverse

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Still single and I’m loving it…

Dear readers,

I am writing what will be the last dating blog of the series. I haven’t yet plucked up the courage to go on anymore dates or planned any!

Well, because I have decided that it is pointless.

However, whilst spending the weekend with my mother she pointed out that if I was going to go on a date with anyone they would probably be put off by this blog. To be honest she is probably right. My crude but yet amusing take on the dating world has probably ruined any chance of eternal happiness, puppies, a house in the country and four adorable children. Oh well shit happens.

In fact I have given up men for January. I have just starting writing about men which to be honest, has made me want a man more. Not ideal.

This is to add to the long list of other things I have given up including, alcohol and fun of any kind. The problem with January is that no one has any money. In the world of work you get paid 10 days earlier than you normally would due to the celebration of Christmas. Therefore in the month where alcohol, men and crap food is needed the most I have chosen fruit tea, exercise and healthy food. God help me.

This date was the most disappointing. After meeting this chap on Plenty of Fish and staring at his photos countless times I had decided geeky cute was for me.

I started the whole talking thing. It takes a lot of effort to talk. I have had the same conversation with so many men now maybe I should have a pre typed up script ready. Copy and paste. Interestingly this is how some male daters choose to go about it. I have had countless repeated messages copied word for word. Oh the joys of copying and pasting. My usual reply to the talented copier and pasting culprits is ‘Wow, what excellent copying and pasting skills you have….’

It turned out we lived nearby and he knew a few people I knew. This of course can be problematic. If he knows people I know then he could go off and do his own research. He could them get the obligatory ‘Hannah’s lovely but absolutely crazy!’ Something that does actually occur quite often. No surprise though – I am pretty crazy. I can’t quite work out if its good crazy or bad crazy yet. But time is indeed on my side at the moment…

We moved from the Plenty of Fish private chat function to texting and face-booking. He has passed my initial Facebook stalk test. However the unprecedented amount of photos with his ex-girlfriend had made me question him a little. Of course I was right, a recent break-up. I was probably the rebound. In fact I couldn’t be more right – could I?

But I thought I might as well try – if it didn’t go well I might as well put it down to experience and it was one for the blog.

In fact the blog was born from this very date.

Meeting up was increasingly difficult. What with me being so busy with work and he was busy doing university stuff. Yes I had decided to go for a student – lord knows why. What a bad idea. But there we go I though I should at least try something different.

I was getting sick of putting every experience down to being different. I mean how different did I need to go before I went mad.

One evening,  I received a bit of a drunken text message asking if he could meet me. It was midnight. I had just finished reading my book and was about to go to sleep. It was a school night you see.I thought I would live on the wild side. Yeah that’s me. Wild. Adventurous. Sexy… I live on the edge. Shut up Hannah.

The problem had been that he was too scared to meet me. I don’t think this is exactly good. A man is too scared to meet me. However, after having a drunk he had plucked up the courage to meet me…

He turned up swaying.

In fact he couldn’t stand. Shit I really shouldn’t have given him my address. But remember I was living on the wild-side…

He walked in and he was much shorter than me and unfortunately there was no connection at all. I have told you this all before you can tell straightaway. I had already let him over the threshold.  It’s sad because you waste all this valuable time talking about life with someone who became slightly significant for a while. Then they become a distant memory. Those text messages that were exciting to receive have now become yet another deleted phone number. With the phrase ‘I will just put it down the experience’ stamped in your mind and stored to the ‘let’s forget section’ of my brain.

We talked about life. He slurred his words. Drank all my bedtime water and passed out in my bed with all his clothes on.

Drinking all my bedtime water was a crime in itself. No one wants to get up out of your snuggle nest into the cold to replace it.

I wasn’t leaving my bed. Absolutely not.

I pushed him off my side. We all have a side we sleep on don’t we! He was on my side! Shame on him. Then I literally laid as flat and long as I could. It was like the Red Sea had parted and I was on the right side and off to freedom. He, on the other-hand,  was on the wrong side and would be punished for all eternity.

In the morning I made him toast and tea to help his hangover!

Fortunately, god was on my side,  he did remember that he had come to my house. It would have been horrific if he had woken up in a strange bed and not known where he was.

We chatted and then I thought I am going to have to be honest with you. ‘I am really sorry but you aren’t my type…’

He responded saying ‘ I agree but you have made me realise how much I miss my ex-girlfriend…’

Oh my god did he actually utter those words.

I am telling you now.

I am like chuck in the film Good Luck Chuck.

If you haven’t seen it. Then it is a heart-warming romantic comedy.  There is a man called Chuck. Chuck likes ladies. Chuck likes to sleep with ladies. Ladies sleep with Chuck because they hear he has a magical power that means the next person they meet or date will be the ‘ONE’

Let me point out I have not slept or kissed any of these men. Well if you count the passing out I shared a bed with one. However, I am the reverse of Chuck all these men meet me and realise what they have lost.

It has happened to me about 5 times. No joke.

I have also had my mum told me I should go on a date with you. Great. Well thanks for asking because your mum told you to.

Anyhow the morning turned into a relationship counselling morning, while he ate my provisions – biscuits and drank my tea.

Conversation was interesting. So what did you break up with your girlfriend?

I cheated on her with a man….

Wow, what could I reply?

‘I think you might be gay or bisexual?’

In my head and probably rather selfishly I was saying in my head…. ‘WHY ME!’ ‘EVERY SINGLE DATE I GO ON… SOMETHING GOES WRONG!’ ‘IS IT ME?’

I was polite of course. But to be honest, I wasn’t prepared or even qualified to deal with this or indeed did I have anything really to say. It was 8am. I don’t do mornings.

But bless him I could tell he loved this girl and he genuinely wanted to be with her. My heart went out to him. Surprisingly, I am pretty good with relationship advice. Well, meaning when it comes to other people I full of ideas, comforting words and advice. But, when it comes to taking advice – I never listen. To headstrong and stubborn. Some rather bad qualities of mine.

For the next hour I turned into what can only be called a counselling for the divorced who want to re-marry. I was nice and tried to be understanding.

But what had supposed to be a easy going meeting had turned into the Nightmare on Elm Street.